A State of Panic

This is my first week in New York City, and I am currently staying on a couch in Astoria. After my first day of hunting for an apartment, these are some of the things I have learned.

1) Lower your expectations. If you limit yourself to nicer apartments, you’re setting yourself up disappointment and grief. Air conditioning is a luxury. Bedbugs can be exterminated.

2) Photograph’s are a must. But seriously, if there isn’t a picture on craigslist, then it’s like like not having a profile picture on facebook. The apartment is ugly, has no self esteem, and probably smells in person. It can also save a 45 minute train ride into a shady park of Brooklyn.

3) If it’s nice and cheap, learn more about the neighborhood. I had found this lovely apartment that was newly renovated, and it was decently priced. I was speaking with this girl about the neighborhood, and she said, “You just got here on Saturday and you’ve already been to THAT neighborhood?!” Apparently it’s a high-crime area. Oh… and it’s the same neighborhood that inspired the television show “Everybody Hates Chris (Rock)”

4) Be patient. Apartments come and go. If you worry about getting one in a day, you’ll cause much needed anxiety.

5) Be impatient. Paradoxical, yeah? It’s quite possible that from the time you make an appointment to view an apartment until you leave to get there, it will already be rented. Be diligent, pushy, and at the door before you even know where you’re going.

6) Prioritize. Don’t miss an awesome place because you’re checking out a war zone. You’ll kick yourself.

7) Careful with stereotypes. After declining a request to fill out an application and pay the $50 credit check fee, the Jewish man who was showing me the apartment responded, “I’m not trying to steal your money.”

8) You never hear back from the good ones. Mostly likely, it’s because they’re fake listings planted by sick and twisted people to play with the hopes and dreams of a potential resident. Conversely, if it’s a shitty apartment, you’ll receive both an email and a phone call directly after placing an inquiry.

9) Meet a potential room mate. Simple enough. Meet them. Judge the hell of out of them. If they seem shady… run.

10) Pray. If you’re not religious, now would likely be a good time to start. While curling into the fetal position and crying in an ally, I thought about how much easier it would be to ask God for a place to live. If I’m going to pick a religion, it seems like Judaism would be the best bet.

It was a long day with many life lessons. Although I am enjoying the hospitality of my friends in Astoria, I have a hankering to walk around naked in my own personal, over-priced, cramped closet of an apartment. Of course, I arrived back in Queens last night with no avail, but will continue to carry forth.

Wish me luck.

This was going to be an ambien-induced rant about how absolutely nervous I am to move to New York tomorrow, but I was luckily able to stop myself before it got out of hand.

Good night.